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Blog 3: Well It's time to come out of the closet:

For the past 2 years I have hated life. I have been really sick without knowing it.

I had to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning and tell myself that it was worth it. I'd stand up and feel like I had thousands of pounds on me pushing me to the floor. I had to convince myself I could move my foot to walk to the bathroom. From this to feeling depressed to mood swings, to weight gain. Then the hair loss, the sore throats, the anxiety. The night sweats, the chills, the rashes and dry skin. The bruising, and muscle soarness and inability to move from complete hip pain. This is just the beginning of what I have felt. I haven't felt like myself in so long. I miss wanting to have parties, and go skiing, and meeting new people, and traveling, and laughing. I haven't wanted to do anything but sleep for so long. I feel so guilty that I don't have the energy to play with my kids, and that I am so quickly angry with them.

All I can say is I can't wait to be better.

About 12 months ago I found out I had Hypothyroid disease. This explains so many of the problems I had been having and why I wan't myself. I started taking the medicine and for a brief time during the pregnancy I felt AMAZING. I felt like myself again. I wanted to go out and have fun and be around people and talk and laugh. I was pregnant or I would have been out snowmobiling with my hubby. Then It all went back to feeling like crap.

I have been having to get tested every month since I had Shellie and the results have been all over the place and we can't get them under control with the medicaton. So this last week I came over for some more testing and was confirmed that I have thyroid Cancer.

I have had mixed emotions about it. I did research before I came over to Utah so I knew what was going to happen and what it all meant. Half of me wanted me to just be crazy and nothing to be wrong and the other half wanted it to be cancer so that we can fix it and i can get back to being me and happy. Well it was the latter and it finally hit home. I have cancer. It explains everything and yet I still have so much more to endure. I had to tell my family and it hit even more of a reality. I wish I could have been with my husband when I had to tell him. He didn't do so good. I still haven't seen him since I'm still stuck in Utah. I can't wait to hold him. Somehow I'm the one conforting him and telling him it'll all be ok. Already it's made me stronger and I can't wait to bring on life. I'm taking Emry to bowling tomorrow. I've wanted to forever and now I don't care. I'm taking him.

Life is going to get some much harder. We have to figure out how to pay for the surgury and all the medications. We have to figure out when I can have the surgury and where the kids can go. I have to figure out how to comfort my husband through it all because he can't leave work to be with me.

It all comes down to one answer. Prayer and our Heavenly Father. I have such faith that everything will be perfect. No matter how much more it spreads, no matter what happens after the surgury, I will always have my faith, my family and my Heavenly Father. Our Testimony's grow with every lesson and trial we indure. I will happily endure this if it brings my family closer together and makes our life the best it can be. I don't think this will be hard at all. It'll all be worth it if I can finally feel good again. No more pain, no more sad days, no more bad days. Just life. Bring it on baby

Devin I love you so much and I thank you for being there for me and not calling me crazy. I know it was hard for you to deal with me when we didn't know what was going on. I'm happy you though i was worth it to stick it our for our family. It's Your Love baby.

Sorry if this was all weird. This is my only journal for our family.